Astrology(‘s) for Idiots

Be open-minded and inquisitive; don’t scorn it until you try it.

The first sign of the Zodiac is Aries (March 21st – April 20th): Most astrology sources suggest that those with the Aries sun sign are quite full of themselves and pretty individualistic people but despite this, we are all drawn to them for some reason. Out of jealousy? Who knows.

The second sign of the Zodiac is Taurus (April 21st – May 21st): Taurus people appear to be the ones who always have their mind on the future. They are constantly striving to make themselves emotionally and financially secure. Unfortunately for them, this makes them stubborn and a bit annoying.

The third sign of the Zodiac is Gemini (May 22nd – June 21st): Gemini people are, in my opinion, the most alarming of the Zodiac signs. Supposedly they have two personalities: one that is fun and energetic and the other that is serious and thoughtful. Do Gemini people all have mild schizophrenia?

The fourth sign of the Zodiac is Cancer (June 22nd – July 22nd): People born under this sign are the creative types who have wild and wacky ideas that are sometimes not very practical. Apparently, they are also quite clingy to those they become close with which is why they are family-oriented people. Has anyone had a clingy boyfriend/girlfriend? They might have a Cancer sun sign.

The fifth sign of the Zodiac is Leo (July 23rd – August 21st): As with all star signs Leo people have positive and negative characteristics. However, it is more illuminating to talk about a Leo’s negative traits; they are arrogant, egotistical, impatient and enjoy being in the limelight. A lot of Leos end up in the performing arts.

The sixth sign of the Zodiac is Virgo (August 22nd – September 23rd): Virgo people are incapable of relaxation. They are constantly analysing what is going on around them with admirable attention to detail. However, what this actually translates to is an anxiety-ridden existence.

The seventh sign of the Zodiac is Libra (September 24th – October 23rd): People born under the Libra sign seem to be the perfect person on the surface: they are loving, kind and always have interesting and happy topics to talk about. However, they are unable to say no to people and can come across as spineless and unreliable.

The eighth sign of the Zodiac is Scorpio (October 24th – November 22nd): If there is any sign that screams out sociopath, it is Scorpio. Scorpio people are motivated by fame, power and money and will manipulate people to get there. However, they are loyal to those they like and seemingly quite cool so everyone wants to be their friend.

The ninth sign of the Zodiac is Sagittarius (November 23rd – December 22nd): Sagittarius people like adventure and will never be found on the beaten path. However, they can often be tactless and tell someone the hurtful truth when a white lie may have been more beneficial.

The tenth sign of the Zodiac is Capricorn (December 23rd – January 20th): People born under the Capricorn sign are sensible and cautious, a Capricorn person is someone everyone asks for advice. They are quite shy and worry about how events will affect them. They sound a bit boring to me. Fun fact: the film ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ is an allegorical tale about the life of a Capricorn as they tend to become more free and fun as they age. Are you like this?

The eleventh sign of the Zodiac is Aquarius (January 21st – February 19th): People born under the Aquarius sign hate monotony and will always be thinking of new and exciting ways to do normal activities. They also hate doing things half-heartedly and will always go hard or go home.

The twelfth sign of the Zodiac is Pisces (February 20th – March 20th): People born under Pisces appear to be kind and compassionate but don’t seem to have a firm grip on reality. They are pessimistic, over-sensitive and weak-willed and don’t deal with their problems in the right way. Is this you?

In defence of Astrology

Some people read horoscopes in shitty newspapers and say “well that could apply to anyone! God astrology is such bullshit”. That’s like buying any old moisturiser and complaining when you have a break-out. Oh, wait, most of you still do that anyway. You need to find out what skin type you have and buy a moisturiser to match. I digress, those budget horoscopes you read are written by opportunists looking to fill the pages of their newspaper on a budget. If you actually dive into the world of astrology with an open mind, you may find yourself down a rabbit hole that you never want to leave.

How does it work? Your sun sign signifies what constellation the sun was in on the day of your birth. As the sun is the centre of our solar system, people argue that your sun sign reflects the centre of your personality, your vitality as-it-were. Your sun sign is supposed to reflect the outward, bolder aspects of our personalities. However, if you think your sun sign doesn’t match your personality then this is no reason to give up on astrology – there is so much more to learn.

Your moon sign, for example. The moon changes constellation about every 2.5 days and so it is a far less known feature of our astrological chart. However, it is just as important as our sun sign and should not be ignored. Our moon sign represents our inner selves: our emotions, our inner mood, the shadowy part of your personality if you will. If your sun sign doesn’t match then maybe you are deeply absorbed into your moon sign. Just open your mind and have a look. Those of you who are open-minded will quickly realise that there are many more placements relating to planets and movements of the sun which represent yet more features of our personality.

The Age of Aquarius

To finish, I will briefly summarise another feature of astrology which might illuminate you further. As well as star signs, zodiacal theology suggests that there are twelve zodiacal ages. The entire length of one zodiacal cycle is 25,860 years. This means that one age is 25,860 divided by 12. This is equal to 2,155 years. The progression of the ages goes the opposite direction to the zodiacal star signs, so we progress from 12 to 1, not the other way around.

What age are we in now? It is not entirely clear. Many astrologers argue that we are in the transition period between the Age of Pisces and the Age of Aquarius. The Age of Pisces began around the time of Jesus Christ and is the reason why a lot of Christian symbolism revolves around the image of a fish. The Age of Aquarius is nearly upon us. I find it strange that the dawning of the Age of Aquarius coincides with environmental disaster and the melting of the polar ice caps which would significantly alter global sea levels. Are there answers in the Zodiac?

Written by Rebecca Johnson

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